Many parents think that criticizing children is always a bad thing. It lowers the child's self-esteem and motivation to do anything.
But is criticism in any form so dangerous? Or is there useful criticism that helps?
What is positive criticism
Positive criticism is not praise or compliment. It is honest but gentle feedback to children that helps them grow without destroying their self-esteem. Its purpose is not to point out a mistake, but to show a path to improvement.
Basic principles of positive criticism:
- Criticize the act, not the child's personality
- Always combine reprimand with encouragement
- Give specific recommendations, not general recriminations
- Pick your moment: do not criticize your child when tired, hungry, or in the presence of strangers
The psychology of a child is arranged in such a way that up to 10-12 years of age, children perceive criticism of themselves as an assessment of their personality as a whole. Your task is to help him separate «I did bad» from «I am bad». This foundation for a healthy self-esteem for life.
When criticism is needed
Criticism is necessary when a child:
- Violates the safety of self or others
- Repeats the same mistake without noticing it
- Behaves disrespectfully to other people
- Himself asking for help and advice
But often parents criticize where they don't need to.
Typical mistakes:
- Criticize for age specifics (a 4 year old child can't sit still for an hour is the norm, not a flaw)
- Compare with other children («Petya cleaned up, how about you?»)
- Criticize in an emotional outburst, not consciously
- Noticing only the mistakes, ignoring the successes
Children's mistakes and parents' reactions are always a dialog. If the child shuts down, cries or gets angry after your criticism, it's a signal that the way you presented it was painful. Change the approach.
And if you encounter a situation where the child reacts to comments with aggression or foul language, it means that your presentation of criticism hurts him too much. But there may be other reasons.
It is important not to express your criticism in a raised tone of voice. This will cause the child to lash out even more. But incry-free parenting doesn't mean there are no boundaries. You can be calm and firm at the same time. Shouting breaks trust, while clear, calm remarks teach responsibility.
Methods of positive criticism
An effective way is the «sandwich» formula: compliment → remark → compliment.
Another method is a question instead of a rebuke. Instead of «Why did you scatter the toys again?» ask: «Where do you think it would be better to put the cars so that you can find them easily tomorrow? This way you involve the child in solving the problem, rather than putting him in a position of blame.
How to give criticism to children in conflict situations? First, let emotions cool down. This teaches the child to manage his or her feelings
The role of parents in fostering critical thinking is to show their child that mistakes are okay. When you yourself make a mistake, say out loud: «It's okay, I'll write a list next time.» In this way, the child learns to see mistakes as part of the growth process, not as something to be ashamed of.
Mini guide: 5 phrases to help your child take comments calmly
- «I can see you've been trying. Let's think about how to make it even better, shall we?»
- «It didn't work out now - but you already know how to do a lot of other things.»
- «I believe you can do it next time.»
- «Let's try it together - I'll show you how to do it better.»
- «Mistakes are like stepping stones: you can't go higher without them.»
These phrases work because they do not devalue the child's efforts. They show that he already knows a lot, but he can do better. They show that you are on his side, even when you point out his shortcomings.
The purpose of criticism is not to prove you are right. The purpose is to help the child become a little better than yesterday. When criticism and encouragement go together, the child learns to accept feedback without fear. And this skill will come in handy in adulthood, in school, work, and relationships.
